Violence in relationships can take several different forms, and does not always appear as physical abuse. The most common question that comes up when one hears that someone has suffered abuse at the hands of their partner is, ‘why doesn’t he/she just leave them?’
Unfortunately, this is a complex question that is difficult to answer. There are many reasons cited for why people stay with abusive partners, and almost none of them have anything to do with any failings on the part of the abused. Physical abuse is almost always partnered with forms of emotional abuse, controlling behaviour, humiliation and isolation.
Abuse is a systemic problem. This means that in order to tackle it one must approach the problem via its causes. If likened to physical illness, it could be compared to something like spastic colon or migraines – the symptoms can be identified and treated easily, but the root of the problem is a complex mixture of physical, and often psychological, issues that are very difficult to address.
People have been known to stay in abusive relationships for many years, for a number of reasons. These can include, but are not limited to:
- Being made to feel worthless, and that they deserve the abuse and not a more caring, loving partner
- The belief that the abuser really loves them, but just can’t control themselves sometimes (usually coupled with the above reason)
- Threats of violence if they were to leave
- Obligation to any children that the couple have had together
- Fear of losing the financial support of the abuser (which is unfounded since support payments can be claimed even in long term domestic partnerships in many states)
- Being isolated from friends and a support network, so that the abused partner relies heavily on the abuser in many aspects of their life
- A history of abuse as a child, leading the abused partner to accept abuse as a natural part of a loving relationship
In cases where one partner is abused, that partner almost always claims to love their abuser. They forgive them for the abuse, and usually rationalize it by claiming to deserve their ‘punishment’.
Abuse is almost impossible to spot from an outsider’s perspective, but there are warning signs. These include general violent behavior, irrational verbal or physical outbursts, heavy drinking or drug use (not always a problem on its own, but one which often leads to abuse), or sometimes something as simple as noticing that one partner is always very silent at dinner parties, and usually gets cut off whenever they try to speak.
Remember: what happens in your neighbour’s bedroom is only none of your business if nobody is getting hurt. If you suspect that someone you know is being abused by their partner then you have an absolute obligation to help in whatever way you can. You may be the only person who can.