Whenever we hear about one person beating or otherwise abusing their partner, we always wonder why on earth someone would stay with a person who hurt them so much, for so long. The problem, however, is massively complex and has no simple answer. In many cases it is simply not possible to persuade an abused person to leave their abuser. Let’s have a look at some of the reasons why people choose to stay in abusive relationships.
Manipulation and Self-esteem
The first thing to understand about abusive relationships is that the biggest part of the problem is emotional and psychological – the bruises are only a symptom. If there is no physical abuse the results can be equally devastating, but much harder to spot.
Abusers are often very good at emotional manipulation, and use many tactics to undermine their partner’s sense of self-worth. They may not even know they are doing it, but they will create an environment where repeated and sustained emotional battering wears down the abused partner’s self-esteem until they feel deserving of the abuse.
Another common feature of these relationships is that the abused partner becomes increasingly isolated and cut off from their support network. This is difficult to spot, but if you notice that one person never seems to say much at dinner parties, and is often cut off by their partner or talked down to, you might be watching emotional abuse unfold. Constant jokes at the other’s expense, or a condescending tone of voice, are also trademarks of an emotional abuser.
Socioeconomic Factors
It might be easy to say, “why doesn’t she just leave him,” but that isn’t an easy question to answer when children are involved, or if the abuser makes much more money than their partner. Even though most people who escape from abusive relationships would be eligible for support or compensation, an alarmingly small number actually choose to pursue this.
In many cases people are known to stay with abusive partners because they do not believe they will be able to support themselves or their children. If the children are not abused, they might face the issue of having to leave their children unless they go through a lengthy and gruelling court battle to win custody.
It’s easy to call someone who stays in an abusive relationship ‘stupid’, but it is far more difficult to identify a problem, work out a solution, and begin the long process of rebuilding an abused person’s self-esteem up to the point where they can enjoy a new, equal and loving relationship again.